and i would walk five hundred miles
by long time brother
Summary: james / lily: Lily is busy trying to chop down James' neighbour's tree. Petunia's on watch. Sirius has an obsession with Benedict Cumberbatch's cheekbones. James has an obsession with Lily Evans. And Remus is just trying to keep out of their way. / Muggle AU because even without magic, they get themselves into the weirdest of situations.


**A/N**: This was fun. I kind of wrote this while my sister went into a hysterical crying fit because her phone fell and it made me laugh. And I may or may not have taken a video. I know. I'm inhuman. Enjoy!

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**and i would walk five hundred miles**

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_'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'_

**Billy Wilder**

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The shattering roars of a chainsaw ricochet around the house and a sense of confused bewilderment ripples through the air as James Potter glances towards his friends, frowning. Even Sirius Black—who is always too "busy with his babies" i.e. his Sherlock box set—gives James a strange look and says, "Mate, you could have held it in, you know?"

"Padfoot, you idiot—that wasn't me!" James is already moving up to the window as a curious Remus Lupin sets down his book and follows swiftly.

"You may be my friend but—," Sirius begins but gets interrupted by another screaming yell of the chainsaw. He gets up, muttering, "Bloody hell—_who_ is that?"

The three lean out of James' arched window inquisitively, eyes roaming around his garden as Sirius digs into James to give him more room who digs back and a small scuffle breaks out. Remus manages to stop it by threatening to confiscate Sirius' favourite season of Sherlock and before Sirius can protest, James points at a red-headed figure trying to control a chainsaw in the next garden and gapes. "Is that _Lily_?"

Thus follows an array of emotions:

"What is she doing—,"

"Moony, can't you see she's busy trying to chop down someone's tree?"

"What if it's her tree?"

"She doesn't live around here—I'd have noticed."

"Yes, because you're creepier than that Colden guy Moony loves."

"His name is Edward Cullen and I don't love him—for the last time, it's my _Mum_ who puts up the pictures!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say—,"

"You can talk—you have a mancrush the size of Everest on Benedict Cumberbatch."

"His cheekbones—,"

"Can we all just focus on why the hell Lily Evans is currently chopping down my neighbour's favourite apple tree? …Doesn't her hair look beautiful today?"

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_One hour earlier…_

Lily Evans stomps through the rain, angrily muttering death threats under her breath and scaring the pants off the occasional passerby who has the misfortune to look at her strangely. Rain drips through her hair, pressing it to her skin, falling into her boots and dampening her koala socks as the young teenager hisses, "Going to kill Petunia … leaving me alone … rain … socks and then, yeah, _then_ we'll see … don't forget the kangaroos—,"

Her phone rings suddenly and Lily huffs before picking up. "What do you want, Petunia, you evil—,"

"You need to get home quickly, Lily!" Petunia says and the urgency in her tone is raw, making Lily quicken her pace.

"What is it—what's wrong?" Lily asks. "Please tell me you did not do anything to my poster of Tom Hiddleston, Petunia, or so help me God—,"

"It's Mum."

When she's finally home, the rain disappears. Typical, right? The sun begins shining brightly, filtering through the dusky clouds that begin to fade away calmly as Lily quickly makes her way to her door and lets herself in. "Mum? Petunia? Dad?"

The sitting room is wide and spacious, suddenly filled with the afternoon light—there's a long cream chaise longue where Mrs Evans reclines, letting out a pained cry every now and then. Petunia sits next to her, holding her mother's hand and offering her pictures of Tom Hiddleston and chocolates as Lily practically falls in her efforts to get in.

"Is she—," Lily turns to look at Petunia who nods sadly and continues squeezing her mother's hand comfortingly.

"My darling Lily," Mrs Evans begins and her voice cracks, "I didn't want to have to tell you this but—,"

"Why are you all such drama queens?" Mr Evans rolls his eyes as he strolls downstairs calmly. "You can enter the gardening competition again next year, honey."

Mrs Evans presses a hand to her chest as Petunia gives an appropriate gasp. "It's not that—it's the fact that that psychotic b—,"

"Children present!"

"B—_iscuit_, Mrs Waters cheated!" Mrs Evans says petulantly as Lily's eyes narrow.

"What'd she do, Mum?"

"She slashed my roots!"

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Which brings us to the here and now.

Lily struggles with the heavy chainsaw, wonders where Petunia even got this from and hisses to Petunia who stands as lookout, "Tuney! Is she coming?"

"No!" Petunia shakes her head and adds, "Could you be more quiet?"

"It's a CHAINSAW!"

"Hey Lily!" James calls over the garden gate, waving, as Lily almost drops the chainsaw in surprise. He turns back to Sirius and scowls, "I knew I should've gone with 'Hi!' instead…"

"Prongs, you've been debating different greetings throughout the whole journey to your garden," Remus mutters as he smiles jovially at Lily. "I think she's fine with a simple—,"

"LILS!" Sirius bursts forth with a bright grin. "I missed you, you little crazy psychopath you—what in the name of Benedict Cumberbatch's cheekbones are you doing with that chainsaw?"

Lily can't help the smile spreading across her face at the sight of the Marauders as they clamber over the gate to get to her, increasing Petunia's obvious irritation. James tries to leap over in one graceful bound, gets his legs tangled up and lands with his face planted in Mrs Water's bed of roses. Sirius is not far behind, hitching himself up on Remus' unwelcome shoulder, and jumping down, using James' back as a landing while Remus simply removes a few boards and walks through, calm as can be.

"What are they doing here, Lily?" Petunia hisses, one eye on Mrs Water's driveway. "You need to—,"

"TUNEY!" Sirius grins as Petunia rolls her eyes, "Did you miss me, you—,"

"What _are_ you doing, Lily?" James asks and he's so proud of himself for being able to get out a single sentence without smushing all his words together or, you know, fainting. "Because my house is next door, you know, if you were planning on—,"

Lily bats at him playfully and laughs. "Would you get over yourself, you arrogant toerag?' she says affectionately, green eyes sparking as she then proceeds to explain the situation.

"Well, what are we waiting for, then?" Sirius says as soon as she's finished. "Let's knock down the whole tree and steal the apples!"

"This is breaking the law, Lily—," Remus begins but Lily shakes her head.

"It's … payback—plus she totally broke the law first."

"Yeah, Moony!" James echoes, "She _totally_ broke the law first. So, um. If we do go to prison, who'll bail us out?"

"We're not going to prison," Petunia butts in, trying to bat away Sirius as he tries to compare her cheekbones with a certain actor's. "Sirius, my cheekbones are perfect so just—just _move_! Anyway, Lily's just going to chop off a branch, aren't you?"

Lily nods and she grins as the chainsaw suddenly roars to life once again, everyone in the vicinity stumbling back at the growl. James shakes his head and moves closer to her, putting his hands around hers on the chainsaw. Sparks seem to flow freely from where they touch although that might just be the chainsaw.

"You're holding it wrong, Lily," he tells her as a pink blush begins to seep across her cheeks. Petunia and Remus smile at each other, watching the two lovebirds fondly—they're so adorable, aren't—

"THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!" Sirius suddenly yells.

Remus rolls his eyes.

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The branch of the apple tree falls to the garden floor in one satisfied heap as the group watch and even Sirius stops spraying everyone with the hose when they all hear the unmistakable sound of a car pulling up.

Lily looks to her sister and says in a panicked whisper, "Petunia, you were supposed to be keeping watch!"

"I was—James was a little preoccupied pointing out how abnormally hooked my nose is!" Petunia shoots back, just as terrified.

There are a few precise steps.

Sirius grabs James and whispers, "I'm scared, Prongs. Hold me!"

Learning from the master, James grabs Lily and whispers, "I'm scared, Lily! Hold me!"

_One…_

The chainsaw suddenly growls and everyone jumps about a foot in the air, Petunia accidentally smacking Remus in the nose.

_Two…_

Remus recoils into the fence, holding his nose, as Petunia whispers hurried apologies as everyone else stays completely frozen.

_Three…_

A very familiar figure steps up and Mr Evans looks at them all with an unimpressed eye. He puts his hands on his hips and frowns.

Petunia is trying to use petals to stem the blood flowing from Remus' nose.

Sirius is holding onto James who is holding onto Lily.

Mr Evans sighs. "Children, I only have one thing to say to you."

Lily gulps.

Sirius whispers, "I have an escape plan!"

James whispers, "I'm listening!"

"We just need a shovel and a body bag!"

James pauses. "We're not killing the father of the girl I will marry!"

Remus tries to bat Petunia away.

Petunia gulps as they all look at each other—barring Remus who's still holding his nose.

"It's all Remus' fault!" they lie as Remus splutters.

Mr Evans simply looks at them all. "Did you get the b—_biscuit_'s tree, Lily?"

He smiles.

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**fin**


End file.
